Faith

"I'm a mom to three children with wings"

"It's easy to say god needed an angel, when you didn't lose yours"

Today we should be celebrating the first birthday of our first child, but they are celebrating in heaven.  Today the sun shown all day, glistening off the snow, and I couldn't help but think what a beautiful day.  We do the best we can to keep our heads held high and to keep pushing on.  I need to be strong, I need to have faith and I need to keep going.  It is a kind of hurt that I can't explain very well.  My heart feels empty at times, jealous at times and very envious of all the mother's who get to plan their babies birthday parties.

I am that girl who started pinning first birthday ideas on Pintrest over 5 years ago!  I love decorating and planning themes.  I knew exactly what kind of birthday I would have for if it was a boy or a girl.   I knew exactly who would be there and what food we would we have!  For so many people this is just something they take for granted or complain about how much work it is.

 I have learned so much over the past year about who my true friends are, what friendships are important, what family members are supportive and the strength of marriage.  I am very realistic and I see all things from both sides.  I am the one who knows that there is no guarantee that I will be a mom and carry a healthy child to term.  There is no medical test that will tell us I will or I won't.  Some see me as being negative for saying that but I have to be realistic.  I know myself and I have to process all scenarios so that I can prepare myself for what life throws at me.  I don't believe that anyone has the right to tell me how to feel or that I am wrong for feeling a certain way.  I don't see myself as being negative nor should anyone tell me I am, when they have never lost. 

I get frustrated beyond measure with the fact that I am soooo healthy but yet I lost 3 babies.  Some people think this is amazing news that I am so healthy and nothing is wrong between my husband I.  Yes I agree it is great news, however we have no answers what so ever why we lost 3 precious babies.  We have gone through every test in the book and we are healthy, we passed with flying colors yet we don't have a physical child in our hands.  Do I have faith and the urge to want to keep pushing through, HELL yes I do, but it is a very steep mountain for me to climb.  Will I give up?  Not a chance!  I will do whatever we need to do so I can be a mom.  I deserve that!  My husband deserves that!  We are not perfect right now, things are rocky, but with time it will get better.  I am quick to say we are a hot mess, but then I am quickly reminded of what we have been through.  We lost our third child.  It is going to take time.  I have to accept that it is going to take time to heal and feel better.  I also have to stop carrying what people think and pay no attention to anyone that judges me.

I wish I could do a better job explaining all the "triggers" I face and how they come out of no where and are soooo uncontrollable.  I have no idea how they come about usually or what will be a trigger.  I don't always know either how I will react.  It just happens.  It was helpful when our doctor told us about these "triggers" and that it is something I will most likely battle the rest of my life.  At times I feel like I have a disease.  An ugly disease.  

It is going to take a lot of time for us to heal and move forward, but we will do it and I would greatly appreciate not being judged.  I say what is on my mind and how I feel quite often when it comes to our babies.  I don't do it to be rude or hurtful.   I appreciate the people who say "my heartaches for you and I wish they had answers" and most of the time I say "me too, me too".  I trust our doctors and believe in them.  Time will tell, prayers will heal and together Brett and I will make it through.

Happy Heavenly birthday to our first child!

We found out that Baby 3 was a boy.  Baby Boy Plonsky, you will forever be in our hearts, fly high with your siblings little one and watch over mommy and daddy!  

Dedication

Our 3 Angels
"Grief is like glitter.  You can throw a handful of glitter into the air,
but when you try to clean it up, you'll never get it all.
Even long after the event, you will still find glitter
tucked into corners,
it will always be there-----somewhere."

Earlier this week a little birdie sent me some motivational advice to make a personal dedication to each of my workouts. So before I start or if I am lacking the urge to get started I try to  think of something or someone special to dedicate my workout to.  

Today was one of those days where I just was lacking motivation.  I stayed late at school to work on assessments and writing sub plans.  Then I ran some errands and I still needed to figure out dinner yadda yadda.  I was just putting my coffee cup in the sink and glanced in the backyard and there was my buddy Clem.  Clem is the cardinal that lives in our backyard.  I took a moment to watch him and thought of all my angels. I decided to dedicate today's workout to our 3 angels.  I can't control much right now, but what I can control is not giving up!

I wore my necklace today with my angel wing added to it.  I got this from a co-worker and she wanted to make sure I had all 3 close to my heart.  It brought me comfort today during my anxious moments.  I think of these little babies and so wish I could make life different.

I just got back to working out on Monday.  It took everything I had to change my clothes and get on that treadmill.  I am dealing with some personal self conscious issues right now.  I am frustrated and not feeling very pretty.  I get super pissy when I am on the treadmill and my body has random pains!  I get angry because I get those pains because of what my body went through and I lost a child.  I just want to feel normal and not experience the constant reminder of our losses.  I would whole heartily embrace these struggles if I had birthed a child and became a mom, but I don't have that.

Yeah, I know what y'all are thinking, "you look great" "you are fine", "you're looking for attention" "you're so negative", but before you judge me try to put yourself in my shoes and let me tell you I feel disgusting.  Also, if you think these things about me STOP READING MY BLOGS!   I get frustrated and forget what all my body has been through over the past year and a half.  My body doesn't know what it should do be pregnant or not.  I have gone through many weight swings this year.  For some reason, which I know is normal, when I get pregnant my chest instantly grows a size larger in like 2 weeks.  It is not fun.  Everything still is uncomfortable, I won't go into details.  We went from trying every other day for months on end to nothing (again TMI, but life).  I think right now we are both terrified of all our unknowns and emotionally and mentally we are still broken.  It took all we had to motivate each other to try again after our first loss and then after our second and now we can't even wrap our head around what just happened to us.  Hoping we find our strength again.

This last pregnancy I experienced a lot of shoulder and neck pain because I was carrying so much around on my chest.  All of my organs have been shifted around 3 times as well and right now I am experiencing random pains in my lower stomach which I am sure is just my body adjusting, but I get pissy on the treadmill because I want to be back to running my 5-7 miles but I physically can't.  These last two months I ate pretty much anything I wanted because nothing sounded good and so if I was actually wanting to eat something I just ate it (obviously, not things pregnant women are not supposed to eat).  Now I walk around and feel icky, I have a closet full of clothes and I don't even wear half of them right now because I don't feel comfortable.  When I was pregnant I felt great because I felt like it's ok things are getting snugger because I am growing a human.  Now I walk around and feel icky and not confident in my skin.

I have always had to work hard at keeping my weight in check my whole life.  I am short and big boned! Some of you might think, yeah big deal who cares she is working out we don't want to see posts about it, she has no life and so on and so on.  I get it, I don't like watching people's every move 24 hours a day but it has helped me to be a little accountable.  

I know I touched back on this in my last post but this week has been harder, people don't check in as often, but I still do get those random texts, messages, etc. just letting me know people are thinking of me.  These are the days where I face reality, when we found out we lost the baby we heard from people multiple times a day for over a week.  Now not as much, not that I need it and I get people have lives but now it gives me time to think and process the nightmare more because I have the time to think.  I'll be honest, to me it feels like it is just part of everyone's past but to me I carry fear and anxiety every day.  I am terrified that I will never be a mom.  Brett and I had a conversation this week and I said that I had two major dreams in my life from when I was a little girl till now and it was to get married and to be a mom.  Obviously have a good career was a part of it as well but I have always dreamed I would be a mommy.

I also want to say to all of you who think I am selfish, a snot, not happy for pregnant people etc. etc., don't waste your time thinking negative things about me because that is not who I am.  I am not perfect but I am a very good person with a big heart, right now my heart has a deep crack that is trying to find a way to heal. Be Kind and empathetic it goes a long way!  I know some may question why bring such a personal thing to a social media outlet, but if i touch one person, or help someone feel like they are not alone that is important to me because I feel that way often.  I do not have all the answers nor am I completely healed myself but I can be a listening ear. Please reach out to me if you have feedback or maybe you can relate with me or maybe I have just made you feel not alone!  I would love to hear from  you!  Also if you have questions about our journey please feel free to ask.  I am a pretty open book!  This is a huge work in progress, I am hoping by summer I will have more time to customize this and make time to go back and edit my posts!

Let me leave you with this: 

Daily Life of a Grieving Mother

There have been good days and harder days.  I am trying to refrain from using the word "bad".  I have had many "ugly" moments as I would call them, that I do the best I can to work through.  It has been a little over two weeks since we got the devastating news that we were not going to be parents.....again.  I have a pit in my stomach because I am soooooo nervous for our upcoming appointment this week in Rochester where we will receive all our test results.  We will see what our little baby was made of and I pray every day that they don't tell me I can't carry a child.

I am a Kindergarten teacher to 23 little blessings.  Some say it has to feel so good to be back in routine, has to feel good to be busy, has to help heal and move on, but it doesn't take the pain away.  I would be silly to say that it doesn't help a little and when I walked down the hallway last Friday after not seeing my littles for 2 weeks and heard all of the little voices saying "Mrs. Plonsky we missed you, I am so glad you are back, I love you Mrs. Plonsky",  yes it melted my heart, but it also tugs at my heart strings.  Working with kids also reminds me how much I would give anything to be a mother and have a kiddo in school. I get the honor of being with other people's pride and joys for over 165 days a year.  

This week I was exhausted each night and came home with a heavy heart.  I put on a happy face all day, I have to despite how much I hurt.  I have to show enthusiasm and perform to keep my kiddos motivated every minute of my day.  It takes a lot out of me. Brett worked nights all week so I had a lot of alone time.  There were ugly moments between the two of us, we take our grief out on each other sometimes and we don't intentionally do it, it just happens. Before this school year started Brett and I had a very good conversation where I shared some personal goals.  I had big plans for myself personally, I was going to have a positive mindset, I was going to look at all the greatness in my life, I was going to give my all to my kiddos and have an open mind to all new things.  I  was going to live my life completely half full always!

I am proud to say I have done a wonderful job at that this year! I have worked so hard and the work has paid off in different ways.  I have a wonderful, loving classroom where everyone feels safe and welcome.  I have students who show kindness, love and support to each other.  In my whole kiddo career I have never gotten so many daily hugs and "I love yous".  It is one of the best feelings in the world, but what I wouldn't give to be a parent.

I spent over 30 weeks in the last year an half being pregnant and experiencing every symptom with  no happy ending of holding a beautiful baby.  I had so many day dreams about what the baby room would look like, what color we would paint, what furniture would we pick?  What stroller would we get, what outfits could we get?  Oh and my biggest dream was the moment I got to see my husband be a daddy!  I daydreamed about what our babies first birthday would be like, what our family Christmas card would be like and what it would be like to tell my kinders that I was going to be a MOM!  Our first child would be turning 1 years old in just one week.  What I wouldn't give to be preparing to have our families at our house to celebrate!

These days are harder than even the moments in which we were told our dreams are gone.  I live each day alone in so many ways.  Everyone goes back to the normal life, not as many check in with us, which is fine, I get it, but for me I think of my 3 babies every day and what I would give to be a mommy.  What I would give to hold them, watch them grow, and give them all I have!

Every morning it takes all I have to put 2 feel on the floor, but I do it. I struggle with triggers.  I have no idea when they will happen or what might trigger me.  I had several of them this week, where If felt like I had been kicked in the stomach and couldn't breathe where the hurt in my heart was so unbearable.  Our doctor explained to both of us after our second loss that I will experience many of these and they can come out of no where.  Someone might send me a text, someone might announce something, someone might say something, it is a multitude of many things.  I do  the best I can to cope and use some of my coping strategies to pull me through.  I totally understand that I am very sensitive to these types of things and some may think I am taking things so literal, but remember YOU ARE NOT IN MY SHOES or have faced my heartache.

Another huge hurt is reading things like "my kids are for sale", "my kiddos are driving me crazy", "I have to pump", "enjoy all your free time, because when you have kiddos that will all change", "oh I can't stand maternity clothes," and the list goes on and on.  One of the most important things I have learned through this journey is to always be cautious of what I say because you never know someone's struggles.  Yeah, I am not stupid, I know people don't post these things or make comments to offend the people like me who have been through this.  A co-worker who has also had her fair share of heartache shared with me how we are now part of this club that no one wants to be apart of.  We are in the 1 and 4 club. 

The pain is something I carry each day, but yes I do the best I can to decide how I am going to work through it.  I have taken moments to  decompress and pull myself together. I love how people are trying to be helpful, and no one knows what to say, and they are always like you need help.  Your so angry, what are you going to do to fix it?  Yadda Yadda!  Guess what, let me let you in on a little secret, NEWS FLASH, we are trying!  Little do people know that I have spent a lot of time trying to get us into some couples therapy and some individual therapy for myself!  Little do people know how difficult that is!  The waiting list is anywhere from 3 weeks to 2 months!  Oh and the times are never easy to work with, nothing is available after work and I am sorry going back to teach my little ones after a therapy session might be pretty difficult. As a teacher I don't get to just go on my lunch break or maybe just leave an hour early.  I have to take a half day and those days add up quickly. I also have to spend an hour to two hours preparing for a substitute to make sure that my classroom runs smoothly when I am away.  (Yes, I chose this profession, yes I knew what I signed up for, and no I am not saying this to complain, just trying to give some background information.)

I don't have sick days coming out of my ears to take for all of these appointments and the bank of days that I do have are the days I need for a maternity leave or possible future IVF appointments.  I am very privileged to say we are fine and we can make it through even if I have no days for a maternity leave in the end, but that is not the point.  I am very independent and I worked hard to get where I am today and I want to get what I deserve.

What I currently feel is that sometimes I am alone and that to so many this is all just a part of our past.  We don't get asked about it as much, people don't call or text to check in, life goes back to normal. The realistic life for me is not normal though.  I think all the time about what our life would have been like. I carry this around with me every day 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.  I lost 3 babies and man does it hurt.  I  would give anything to be a mother.  

To all the current mother's out there, hug your babies extra tight, remember to have patience during those really trying moments (I get it I teach 23 of them) and take one extra moment this week to read them a story. To all the pregnant mamas, embrace all the shitty side effects, enjoy every ultrasound you get to see your healthy peanut and hear that healthy heart beat and when you are tired and wanting nothing more than to be done being pregnant  think of me and the other 25 percent of women who would give anything to be in your shoes.

SHOUT OUTS: Thank you to all of you who just take the time to read my thoughts.  Thank you for the positive feedback I have received from my friends and loved ones about my writing.  Thank you to all who just do the little things, I don't need gifts or tangible things, but the little reminders that you are thinking of us are huge!  To my mom, who has texted me every morning with just the simple words "Have a good day!"  Endless love to my husband who has worked through these battles with me and who loves me for me.  He has really tried hard to hear me out and support what I need in these ugly days!  Thank you to all who just love us and pray for us.

These posts are raw for me, I am not perfect and I do go back and edit them.  I also have been researching other ways to set up my blog.  I understand they might not be easy to read, I don't really know how to respond to that.  This is me and this is us.

Heartbreak Part 3

Dear Lord, Please tell our babies how much mommy and daddy love them and wish we could have spent more time together.......

This was the first year in my relationship with my husband that we actually got to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day together with our families.  Brett got off Christmas Eve morning and we celebrated our own little Christmas together at 6:30 in the morning next to our tree and fire place.  It was awesome, our first ever time celebrating Christmas together since we moved into our new house.  After some relaxing we showered and packed up to head to Mauston, WI where my grandparent's live.  I didn't feel the best but i hadn't felt that great in weeks.  I embraced it and secretly enjoyed the sickness because it gave me reassurance.  When we got to my grandparents we enjoyed visiting with my cousins, grandparents and my aunt and uncle before getting ready to head to Christmas Eve mass.  That afternoon when I was getting dressed I couldn't resist looking down at my belly which seemed to be growing all of a sudden poking out of the dress I was wearing.  I am sure some of it was bloating but it was the third time my uterus was being expanded.  I was feeling so excited and couldn't believe that we had gotten our miracle gift, a baby.

We went to Christmas Eve mass and it was beautiful all the children in the community were part of a live nativity scene.  The music was beautiful, life was awesome.  We headed back to my grandparents where my parents were waiting.  They both had to work so arrived later.  We had a wonderful meal and enjoyed each others company.  In the morning we all had breakfast together but we had to get on the road because we had 3 more Christmas's to attend.  We headed back to Rochester to attend Christmas with my mom's side of the family.  I was struggling, I didn't feel good at all and my skin color was terrible, but once again embracing it and drinking lots of water and slept most of the car ride.

We headed to my aunt and uncles and we all were surprised by a Facetime call from my cousin Corey who is deployed again.  It was so great to see his face and hear his voice.  What a great gift!  We enjoyed a great meal, but had to head out pretty quickly to head to Brett's grandparents where we celebrated Christmas with his Mom's side.  It was a great gathering and yes people were noticing I wasn't drinking, but that is just how things go.  I did the best to play it off.  After that we headed home to pack up to head to Brett's parents to enjoy family Christmas and spend the night.  We all had a wonderful time, but man was I anxious and very nervous.  The next morning we woke up, enjoyed more Santa gifts and had breakfast with his grandparents.  Then we packed up and headed home to shower to head to Rochester.  Our appointment was at 2:25 but I made pedicure appointments for the two of us in hopes it would help us relax a bit and I was heading to Puerto Vallarta with my mom in the morning.  (Yes, I was safe to travel being pregnant, I was overly prepared with every safe bug spray and sunscreen you could imagine, I was safe!  No I would never do anything to harm myself or my child!) I had to get that off my chest too.  

I was a hot mess, I was so anxious I thought I would puke.  My husband did the best to tell me how sure he was that we are in good hands and that he was just positive everything was going to be just fine.

We headed to that dreadful waiting room again, where we sat and waited to go in for our ultrasound.  We were on the floor where we see our specialist.  I sat in the room and just cried.  I was soooooo anxious I didn't know what to do and in panic mode.  I hate being poked and prodded.  The ultra sound started, I could see our baby so clear and wow it was so much bigger than we had seen in the past.  I kept searching and searching and then those gut wrenching words came out of her mouth, "I don't see a heart beat".  I just covered my face and sobbed while my husband shouted the word "fuck" over and over again.  It was awful.  She said she was sorry and I got up and proceeded to get dressed we knew the drill.  She asked if I wanted a picture and I said no, I couldn't.  I knew that I could and would see all the pictures in my portal over the days to come.

We walked the hallway to a room where we were to sit and wait for our doctor to come in and see us.  I shook, I cried I sobbed.  Brett rubbed my back and I just kept saying "I'm so sorry" over and over again.  While he just kept saying it wasn't my fault.  I crawled in his lap and just sobbed.  We sat there for what seemed like eternity.  My mom works right across the street in the Gonda Building so I sent her a message saying please cancel our trip, we have no heart beat.  She asked if she could come, and I said yes.  A while later a nurse came to the door and asked if my mom could come in and that is when Brett and I lost it again the three of us held each other and cried.  This couldn't possibly be happening again this the darkest nightmare I have ever been apart of.

The doctor came in and we discussed in detail all our options and all the recommendations she had in terms of genetic testing of our baby.  We talked about how this could most likely lead to IVF.  The unfortunate thing was that this all happened over the holidays and the earliest they could get me in for surgery would be Monday my mom's birthday!  It was Wednesday!  How was I going to make it for four more days, but what other choice did we have?  We left feeling like our world was shattered.

Our family of course was all waiting to hear from us and we let them all know that our baby didn't have a heart beat.  Then all the questions come which is normal, but at the same time we have no answers.

We headed home and my mom went to work on canceling our trip.  Thankfully we bought insurance on it.  Brett's parents and sister and brother in law were all still together so they all came over.  The distraction was nice but when they were packing up Brett lost it, he bawled uncontrollably hitting the table and saying he was soooo sad and how could this be happening to us again.  It was awful, my husband is my rock, my person who I lean on, he can't fall apart.  It tore me up and shattered my heart into a million pieces.  Mind you not only was I told my baby is not alive, but I still had every pregnancy symptom under the sun I felt so sick and I was carrying around my dead baby.  

What were we going to do for the next four days.  Brett was scheduled to work Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday.  He took Thursday off to spend the day with me.  All it did was pour rain for two days straight.  We spent time laying around and crying.  He putzed in the garage and went out and scrapped our driveway in the rain because that's what he did.  I tore apart some room in our house because that is what I do.  That afternoon we decided to go for a drive to just get out of the house and go to dinner.  It was nice to get out.  When we got home I took a nice bath and shower and we relaxed on the couch.  As we were getting ready for bed I started bleeding.  I panicked!  We need our baby what are we going to do?  I called the nurse line and they wanted us to come in right away.  So through tears I packed a bag for Rochester and we headed out.  We arrived at about 9:30,  we didn't have to go to the ER we we went to a floor right above where we see our specialist at.  We had a long night, I was seen by 3 different doctors I was once again poked and prodded and it is not comfortable nor does it feel good.  At about 2:00 a.m. we were sent home with everything we needed in case it happened at home.  The doctors believed I was going to make it to Monday from what they saw.  My body was not ready to let go of this at all.  I felt so sick and numb.  We slept till about 9 the next day and Brett stayed home with me again.

I felt sick all day, I didn't do much except clean a few things and read and I was beyond exhausted and finally slept for a couple hours in the afternoon.  I told Brett that I would be fine and that he could go to work Saturday and Sunday.  I spent the day on Saturday in Rochester with my emergency bag in tow, with my family.  We went to play Bingo and it helped to pass the time.  I headed home that night and laid awake and cried.  The next morning I was up super early and decided to head to church.  I needed all the prayers I could get.  I always sit with Brett's grandparents.   I knew this wasn't going to be easy but I could do it.  I only cried three times during the mass.  I thought this was pretty good.  After church I visited with his grandparents and aunt and uncle at breakfast.  They all reassured me how much they were praying for us during this rough time and that they hope we find some answers.  I ran some errands to Target and by this time I was exhausted, but I couldn't rest, I was too scared to lay down and close my eyes and think.  

So what does Michelle do, she tears apart all our drawers and cupboards in the mud room and organizes them all.  I had to take a few breaks because my body didn't like me so much but I did it.  Our neighbors asked if they could bring us dinner over which was so thoughtful and much appreciated.  They are so kind and their daughters mean a lot to us.  I didn't eat much because all I kept thinking about was how I had to call in at 8:15 to see when my surgery would take place.  We called and were informed that my surgery was scheduled for 7:15 and that we both needed to get our blood work done ahead of time.  So we tried to get some rest, we had to leave our house by about 5:00 to pick up my mom and get all necessary things done.  It was also her birthday,  felt so sad that this was happening on her special day but she is so unselfish and was there no questions asked.  Of course I got emotional but this time I felt so numb, I hated that this felt so routine.  This was the third freaking time I was being put out an having my baby taken from me in a year and half!

I felt like I was in constant prepare mode for our babies funeral.  Once again my husband had to watch his wife and child be taken away to be put under and his child be put to rest.  The surgery went fine, I was very drugged because I had gotten so sick during the past two.  I woke up feeling just out of it but not super sick.  I got dressed feeling so sore, empty and violated.  We were able to head out, I slept the whole way home and went straight to the couch in the cozy basement where I slept for 4 hours straight never waking once.  When I woke up I had to face reality.  We ended up going to a movie with my in laws that night.  I figured I have to sit at home I can sit and watch a movie.  It was a nice distraction.  I didn't sleep well that night and my brain never turns off it seems like.  That is when I started thinking about writing this blog.  

My husband doesn't really understand why I would want to do this and relive all of it again but for me it is like a brain dump I can get it off my chest.  I was having major anxiety on Thursday and decided I need to sit and write and he could see myself calming a bit.  I am beyond terrified that something is wrong with me and I will never be able to carry a child or be a mother to my own biological child.  It gives me an outlet.  It gives me a place to write what I want and not have to listen to anyone interrupt me or tell me how to feel or tell me what I should be doing. The next two days were tough, I was so sad, I was sooo empty, I didn't know what to do.  I had never felt this kind of grief in my life and I have lost a lot of special people.    

I know that I am not the only one who has gone through hardships or loss, I know that many 1 in 4 people to be exact have gone through this.  I know it is not easy and each story is different.  I don't think mine is any sadder or more special than anyone else it is just our life and our story.

The hard part now is that my husband's way of dealing with it is accepting it and doing whatever he can to stay completely busy which usually means not with me.  The last few days he tore apart his snowmobile completely and spent all last night and today making brats, sausage and putting it all in the smoker at his parents.  I don't like what becomes of us during this time, because we both heal so differently.  There is nothing wrong with him doing all those things I just wish it was different some how or that he checked in on me more emotionally its not that he doesn't care because he does he just doesn't want to acknowledge it anymore.  I need to take a break, I have so much more to say

Brain Dump

The anxiety is high today and all I think to do right now is brain dump.  After we lost our second baby I knew I had to pick myself up and finish out the school year.  I had to push through because I had no other choice. When you are a teacher you have to put on a happy face and pretend the whole universe is filled with sunshine, glitter , happiness and rainbows! My profession is not the easiest place to return to after losing a child.  It also can bring a lot of joy as well.  I struggled with my physical body, both pregnancies I gained weight, I already struggle with keeping weight off, but this didn't help.  I felt disgusting, I didn't feel pretty and I just wanted to be normal. This little saying helped me gain faith and have courage to keep trying. I prayed every day to my little angels in heaven. I wanted to believe that they would guide me in the right direction and be with me each day.

One of the hardest things for me was accepting how I felt about our losses.  I felt like crap, wait no I felt like absolute shit, I spent hours day dreaming about which stroller I wanted to buy, what car seat, how many diaper bags, what kind of baby showers I wanted, where we would take our family pics, what kid of gender reveal we would have, what was I going to put on my registry, you name it I day dreamed about it.  At little moments I would bring it up to my husband about my dreams, how I couldn't wait to see him as a father!  He was and will be the best daddy!  If anyone knows my husband, he is over the moon amazing with kids. They love him he is a god given, natural born baby whisperer!  I'll take a moment to shout him out, he is one if the most humble people I know and I am beyond blessed to have him, he is my perfect person.  I had a long road to find him, but one thing for certain he is my perfect match!  He knows exactly what to say to pull me out of some of my funks.  Don't get me wrong we have our moments, but never once do I not think I made the best decision of my life when I vowed my life to this man.  

I know I touched on all the things that are difficult like being told how to feel a certain way or how to cope, but I also want to take the time to express my gratitude to all the people who have reached out to us throughout our journey.  The ones who have lent a listening ear, the ones that just send a little note saying they are thinking and praying for us, the ones who have picked me or my hubby up when I am drowning and all our friends and family who just care.  It doesn't help us to be told how we should feel or that we should do a certain thing. Encouragement and prayers are so helpful.

One of the greatest gifts Brett and I have been given is the title of being auntie Chelle and uncle Brett.  We are beyond blessed to have 2 nieces, a nephew and a niece on the way.  Being apart of our nieces and nephews lives are huge and we love them more than life.  We try to give them everything we want to give our own children along with all the love we can.  We are beyond lucky with how much our siblings do the best they can do make sure we are an important part of their lives and that we don't miss out on any of the big steps! With this also comes a certain amount of heartache, this comes to mind for me, "always an auntie and uncle, never a mother and father."  We get to see all the Christmas Cards visiting Santa, we get to see all the birthday pictures and milestones, we see this every day and not just with our own family but with society, and I pray because I so  desperately want to experience all of those things with my own kids. If you have not walked in our shoes or ever had a missed miscarriage you don't know the depths of our pain nor would I wish it upon anyone.  It stirs so many emotions at so many different times of your life.  Sometimes it just hits you out of no where and you don't even know how to react.

After our second baby went to heaven, I was getting frustrated and we were unsure as to why this was happening to us. We were told that we could get a referral to the infertility specialist at Rochester Mayo.  I couldn't believe this was even being brought up, I never thought I would ever struggle like this, but who was I kidding?  I have had to work extra hard  my whole life. (My parents know exactly what I am referring to at this point.)  I thought well that's fine I will beat this too.  So off Brett and I went to Rochester.  Yes we were nervous, what were they going to tell us?  We sat in the office waiting to be seen and it was one of the saddest places I had ever been.  Everyone in there was there for the same reason we were.  I couldn't hold the tears back while I sat there and Brett rested his hand on my lap and said something silly like "cheer up buttercup" and made a funny joke about something else. One thing for certain was that I had my best friend with me and we supported each other.  We had our appointment and we mapped out a plan.  The plan came with a lot of out of pocket expenses but that wasn't going to keep us from trying to figure out why.  

We were sent down to do some blood work to check our chromosomes and our genetic make up. I also had to have an extensive test done on my uterus to make sure all my ducks were lining up.  This was by far the most painful thing I have ever endured. I would get so angry too, because here I was going through hell and back and so many people try once an instantly are pregnant no troubles! Two weeks later we were back down in Rochester to check over our results.  Great news, we are both healthy, no genetic issues and my egg count, uterus shape, etc. etc. was all great!  Bad news, they had no explanation as to why we have had our losses besides the fact that it just wasn't the right genetic make up to produce that perfect baby.  So what do we do now, we made a plan to keep trying and check back in at the end of December.

We were told how important it was to make sure to really try every other day from day 7 to the day I got my period.  Let me tell you, there is nothing romantic in any of this anymore.  My poor husband is always stating, " I am a man, not a machine." and when he does say this we do laugh.  He does his best to make me laugh the best he can but believe me there this a lot of ugly times.  Like when I get my period each month and both of us are like why are we even trying!  I am so ugly on these weeks and it is so hard to express my feelings.

So off we go back home to keep trying!  July comes and I know that my sister in law and brother in law would like to expand there family why wouldn't they, that is what people our age do.  We know each other so well that on the Fourth of July when we went to the parade I knew she was pregnant!  Yes instantly my heart ached and I was beyond jealous, but felt guilty for feeling that way.  Sure enough a couple days later they came to tell us their news.  We did the best to show our excitement and joy and deep down inside we want nothing but happiness for them.  I will never forget my husband hugging me that night and asking why that can't be us too.  This is one of the first times he openly said something to me without me prompting.  We both looked at each other and said we have to be happy we have to some how be happy for them.  

Another big thing that I have struggled with through this whole process is being left out of any type of news regarding pregnancy.  It SUCKS!  We feel like the black sheep!  Just because we have heartache doesn't mean we don't want to be informed of how things are progressing or how things are going!  We might not shout for joy or give you exactly all you want to hear but we care and we will be supportive.  I'm at the age where everywhere I turn people younger than me and my age are pregnant.  I teach and over the past two years it feels like everyone is pregnant every where I turn.  We try to just keep praying that we will get our chance.

This Fall was a huge struggle, Brett worked one of the longest and hardest turn arounds, our home was hit by a tornado and the beginning of the school year is always long hours and a lot more work than the rest of the year for me but I was determined to give it our best shot.  So what does that mean, it means not giving up and trying your hardest from day 7 to the day of your period without excuses.  There were tears, yelling and moments of despair but we did our best until that one late November day that i had a feeling that just maybe I was pregnant.  I was exhausted but it was busy at work and I was hosting family things.  I was holding out and praying that my gut was right.  On the day I was supposed to get my period I took a test.  It said pregnant.  Brett and I don't talk about my cycle that much but we both know what it is by the back of our hands.  He was working in the garage probably cutting wood for some project of mine lol and I just opened the door and said I was pregnant.  No words were exchanged and that was typical.  This is hard to think back on, for so many others this is such an exciting time, for us it was terrifying and we had a huge wall up because we had the trap door taken out from us already twice with those awful words "there is no heartbeat."

 We spent the night doing our own thing and I contacted our specialist down in Rochester the next day.  I was asked to go in immediately for a blood test and another 72 hours later.  At this point I felt like garbage every day and my chest was huge. I was exhausted. I felt like crap but I had to keep pushing, I have 23 little blessings to teach every day. The blood tests showed my hormone levels rising like crazy!  Everything was awesome!  They had us scheduled to come down to see our specialist right before I was to leave on my trip with my mom!  Now we just had to make it the next 4 weeks.  December with Kindergartners is a struggle let alone any grade level, but I was so excited and each symptom brought me comfort.  We didn't hold back in telling our family and it was nothing special.  We never had the fun of having the elaborate exciting announcements!  As a couple we didn't talk about my pregnancy because I think we were both in fear. What an awesome experience to have (insert giant sarcasm), to not talk about it at all, to not show excitement, to not experience all the amazingness a pregnancy is supposed to feel like. Each night we would say our prayers and Brett would put his hands on my tummy saying goodnight to what we thought was our future.  


December 26th was going to be our day, it was going to be the day that we finally saw a healthy heart beat and all our dreams were going to come true.  All of our determination, all our fight, all our faith, all our prayers were going to finally pay off.  There is no way that we could possibly lose our third child.  We were going to see what our siblings have seen each time they go to an ultrasound, a healthy baby with a heartbeat!  It was going to be our turn!

Trying to Cope

Right now all I can do is write, I feel like this  is my only outlet because the only thing that is on my mind is all our loss.  Now what do I do,  is what I kept thinking that summer.  I felt so angry, alone and helpless.  The worst part was being told I had to be happy for others who are pregnant, who are having children etc.  Every time I saw a pregnancy announcement, every time I saw a baby arrival announcement I got the biggest pit in my stomach.  Not because I wasn't happy for them, but because I wanted that and that was supposed to be us!  We also have siblings who are blessed with children and I would be lying if I were to say I didn't feel jealous or still feel that way.  

Right after we lost our first baby we lost Brett's grandfather.  We felt like we were experiencing so much loss in such a short time.  I filled my summer with spending time with my grandpa who was failing, this seemed to steer my thoughts in another direction, but also my husband and I didn't spend much time trying for a family.  That August he joined my dad and grandma in heaven.    Believe me there have also been multiple times where I question my faith.  Everyone says they pray for us, and that we have to keep our trust in God, but there are for sure moments where I just don't understand and question.  Why would two people as hard working and giving as us have to deal with this or experience this?

Brett and I had some ugly moments as well where we took our anger and frustration out on each other.  At the moment we didn't know what else to do.  People try to be so helpful and kind but let me tell you I have heard everything under the sun that you don't tell someone who has lost a child or who is desperately trying to get pregnant.  If one more person were to tell me that "I just needed to relax" or "just get really intoxicated with your hubby" I was going to lose my mind or that it took them 6 months to get pregnant.  It might have taken you six months but you got a healthy child in the end and never once went to an ultrasound where your child didn't have a heart beat.  Or maybe you tried for six months but you didn't literally try every other day for 15-20 days each month to get pregnant.  All the people who love to share that they got pregnant on the first try or they weren't even trying are also awesome comments I love to hear. (Insert giant sarcasm!)  

I kept telling myself we have to keep trying or we can't have a baby. I have to encourage my husband when he doesn't want to try and he has to pick me up when I don't want to. We had already been tracking my cycles before we got pregnant just in case.  Every month I know the exact day I get my period etc. etc.  Our doctor instructed us to start trying on day 7 of my cycle and every other day until I get my period for the best results.  At first this wasn't terrible but as the months went on and Brett started turn around at work it was taking a huge toll on our marriage.  (Turn around is where he works 14 days on 1 day off and 12-13 hour shifts for months at a time.)  I was also struggling with my self body image because after I got pregnant I had gained a lot of weight and my body was struggling to get back to normal. 
The biggest heartache was every month and being so devastated when I got my period.  Neither of us would really talk that day.  We would be so upset!

It was my due date with our first child January 19th, the school day was brutal, it was Friday and I had one of my worst days in my career, but was so thankful for a principal who cared and stayed after work for me for two hours to talk through what was going on!  My sister called me on the way home that day and I was bawling!  I didn't know what to do I felt like a failure I felt like I was no longer fit for being a Kindergarten teacher.  She listened, she always does, she always knows the right things to say regardless if I want to hear them or not. She is the person who states it how it is, she puts me in my place in a kind and settle way, she listens and then says what I need to hear. She said, "I want to tell you something", insert instant pit in stomach, she was calling me to tell me that she was pregnant with their second child.  I was the first person she told besides her husband of course, she called me from the parking lot of the hospital where she was requested to come in for a confirmation of pregnancy because of the risks she had with Mason my nephew (that story is saved for another post).  I fought the tears and told her how much I loved her and that I was happy for her.  She reassured me that tomorrow will be a better day and more stuff that she always is so good at knowing what to say. I want to state that I give credit to all of the wonderful people who have come to me personally and shared their pregnancy news with me, they all took my feelings into account and didn't make me react by some big announcement in front of big groups of people etc.  You all have no idea how much I appreciate that.  Back to that night, I drove the rest of the way home with so many thoughts in my head.  I got home and saw a husband waiting for me. 

He took me in his arms and just held me and rocked me, he wiped my tears and said he had never seen me this upset in our entire relationship.  We talked and rocked, rocked and talked.  He reassured me how great I was as a teacher and how much my kids loved me.  I looked at him and for the first time in my career said "I don't want to do this."  Of course I picked myself up after a massive pity party and figured out how I was going to keep pushing on.  

At the end of January I was becoming pretty frustrated and talked with my doctor because we were not having any luck.  He recommended I come in for a full internal ultrasound to check me out.  I went to the appointment and as I walked in I had a panic attack.  I hadn't been in that room since they told us we lost our baby.  I overcame it with a wonderful ultrasound tech who talked me through each step.  Once again I was poked and prodded etc etc.  I will save you all the detail.  Our results came back that I was super healthy and to just keep trying.

 After a rough Fall and Winter in March we decided to take a little trip just the two of us to Lutsen area to ski and ride our snowmobiles.  We finally had some quality time together.  A week after we returned from our trip I missed my period by one day.  I knew in my heart we were pregnant.  We were so scared I had peed on my sticks in the prior months hoping and praying this one time it would work. Each time we were so devastated. I waited for him to get home from work and I took the test.  I sent him into the bathroom to look at it.  He came back out and said "it says pregnant."  Most couples would jump for joy and scream with excitement.  We sat and stared at it not sure what to say or do.  Both scared beyond measure.  

Being that we had already lost one child and been through that we didn't really feel like this was any secret to keep from our immediate family so we shared our news.  Of course everyone was excited but we were on edge.  I had every symptom under the sun just like before.  The worst part is that my chest instantly inflates into huge cannons and are so uncomfortable, but I never once took for granted any symptom I had.  I prayed every day to God and told him I would throw up for 365 days if it guaranteed I had a healthy baby.  I just kept thinking this is our chance we are going to be parents!  The dreams of painting the baby room, name picking come in full force.  Its so hard not to think about these things.

Over the next weeks we were nervous but so hopeful.  This is what we have worked so hard for and have prayed endlessly for!  The dreaded first ultra sound appointment was approaching and both of us were so nervous.  We planned it for a Friday afternoon because I was hesitant being a Kindergarten teacher.  I wanted to be able to go home afterwards.  We headed to our appointment, I didn't sleep the night before, I could barely eat lunch that day and teaching my kiddos in the morning was rough.  My job isn't always the easiest job to have when we have gone through these heartaches but my students help inspire me to keep trying.  This year had been particularly difficult.  I didn't have the best year and had to overcome many obstacles throughout the school year, but boy were were excited! We could see that light at the end of the tunnel!

The time came, I was shaking and crying during the entire ultrasound.  About half way through I knew something was wrong.  While showing us our baby on the monitor, she told us she was so sorry but that there was no heartbeat.  I didn't even know what to think.  How could this be happening to us again.  It cant' be, it must be a nightmare.  I had to get dressed after being poked and prodded once again.  We knew the routine, we were escorted to another room etc.  We were sent home to spend the weekend debating our options and scheduled to come back in the following Tuesday to figure out what to do.  I missed school Monday and Tuesday, I tore apart and rearranged my house because that is what I can control.  Brett took to the outdoors again.  We spent countless hours crying and asking God why.  The next week came I decided to teach my kiddos on Wednesday because being a teacher and writing sub plans is so much work.  I needed to wrap my head around getting organized there.  I had my surgery Thursday morning and once again my mom and husband sat by my side.  The same awful images took place that day as well, a husband who has to watch his wife and child be wheeled away again.   My body didn't like me after this surgery as well.  I got super sick the whole ride home, I was sore, I was broken and left to try to heal again.  I didn't bounce back as quick this time, I felt terrible.  

All I could think about is how much time it takes for us to get pregnant, how much time it takes for me to heal, and the anticipation of my cycles returning with a nasty vengeance.  

We had a follow up with my doctor and I shared my concerns about how I didn't like the person I became.  How ugly I felt my personality was and how angry I felt.  We decided to try some medication to see if it would help.  I have been on it ever since.  I also took it upon myself to buy a Daily Devotional that I read every day.  I also purchased a journal where I write down one positive thing from my day each day for 5 years.  I was determined to be better.  I had to be, my sister was pregnant with her second child and I didn't want my jealousy and ugliness to ruin her joy.  

Some maybe asking, why didn't they take a break?  Why are they pushing so hard?  I am 33 years old and my husband is 36 we are not getting any younger.  We want a family.

From the beginning

On October 15, 2016 I married my best friend and we began our journey as husband and wife.  That May we found and purchased our dream home in a cozy little Minnesota town.  The house is beautiful with the perfect country wrap around porch and just the right amount of space.  Way too much in fact for the two of us, but we had big plans to expand our family someday. I felt like I was in a fairy tale and waiting for someone to pinch me and bring me back to reality.  We sold our town house in 3 hours and thankfully were able to live with my in laws for three weeks before we closed on our new home.  All of our belongings were in my in-laws outbuildings and we were living on pure adrenaline! It was such an exciting and busy time with the end of the school year wrapping up for me.  On the day we closed on our house I found out I was pregnant! I couldn't believe it! I hadn't paid that close attention to my body because we had been so busy but it dawned on me that I was about 5 days late.  I took a pregnancy test and sure enough it was positive!  I couldn't help but be over the moon excited and thrilled to tell my husband.  I had dreamed of this moment so many times just like I had dreamed about my wedding day.  After work I rushed to the nearest Target to buy two little onesies to give to my husband to share the news.  One was a Batman one to signify Daddy's Little Superhero and one was for me the "mom".  I was shaking I was so excited.  I wrapped them up in a gift bag and headed to meet my husband at closing.  We finished signing the papers and in the parking lot I said "Honey I bought you a housewarming gift."  He opened it and after the shock subsided he was so excited and we headed out to dinner to celebrate.  It was hard keeping it a secret from my in-laws over the next couple days while moving but it worked out.  Our home was going to be where we created memories with our children. Shared our first Christmas together, etc. etc.

I scheduled our first appointment and we were so excited.  Everything went as planned and we had our confirmation of pregnancy and we saw our baby and it all became so real!  I was experiencing every symptom you could think of but I was so excited and nervous all in one. 

The school year was coming to an end and on the morning of my very last report day June 2, I woke up spotting.  I was a bit alarmed and called the nurse line right away.  Brett was working nights so he was on his way home.  The nurses told me they would like me to come in so Brett and I headed into the doctor.  They did an ultrasound and we saw our baby and the heartbeat!  What a feeling that was!  We met with the doctor who gave me some ideas for the nausea I had been feeling and reassured us that even though the heartbeat was a bit on the low side that things looked normal.  I headed to school to wrap things up and was nervous for the upcoming ultrasound they wanted to do at our 10 week mark.  

Since we knew our family would soon catch on because we see so much of each other we decided to share our news.  We decided to do a grill out to celebrate our new home and share our big news.  We knew it was early and we knew the risks we still faced but  they would think something was up.  I had onesies made for our niece and nephew promoting them to big cousins in January 2018,  Everything felt so much better after we were able to share our exciting news.  Yes, we knew some would think we were crazy for telling our family that early but we knew what was best for us!

Nothing could have prepared me or warned us for what we would experience at our 10 week ultrasound.  We had a normal ultrasound and the tech took what seemed like 100 pictures.  She finished up and said she would be right back.  I had a feeling in my gut something was wrong.  An actual nurse came back to tell us that she was so sorry but that our baby did not have a heart beat.  I lost my marbles and felt so numb.  We were escorted to another room where we were to sit and wait for our doctor to come in and discuss our options.  It felt like eternity and we didn't know what to do.  They came in and gave me all my options.   I could take a pill to terminate my pregnancy at home which is basically giving you what they give patients to kill cancer.  I could wait for it to happen on its own naturally but that could take up to two months or longer.  My last option would be to come back in 4 days and do an ultrasound to confirm what was found and to have a D and C where they put you completely under and remove the fetus.  We decided to head home and talk with our family about what would be our best options.  I was terrified to be put under, I was terrified of all the options!

We stopped to get the necessary items if it were to happen at home and we spent many hours crying and thinking about our dreams and how they were shattered.  It is so hard because to us we were already a mom and dad.  We had huge plans for our soon to be family of 3.  It was devastating, we didn't sleep and we spent many hours asking why us? 

I had to wait 4 days before my actual surgery day came. We tried to stay busy and I had the biggest fear of my life, what if I started bleeding at home?  I sent Brett back to work for Sunday night he stayed home with me Friday and Saturday night.  He wasn't to work 40 minutes and what do you know while I was vacuuming I started spotting at home! I punched the bed, I screamed, I cried, I was so angry!  Asking why me?  Brett said he would come home immediately and I said I would be fine and that my mom was on her way to come stay with me.  She stayed the night with me and I stopped spotting.  Which led us to Tuesday morning, we met with our doctor in the morning and made our decision, but they couldn't get me in for surgery until later that afternoon so we were sent home to wait.  It was the longest 5 hours of my life, I wasn't sure if I should cry, puke or both.  

My mom and Brett and I headed off to surgery.  It was terrifying I was scared, what if I didn't wake up? What if something else was wrong?  All these things played in my head.  We arrived and of course for legal purposes I was asked TWICE what I was there for.  I had to say TWICE verbally that I was there for a D and C, I was there to terminate my pregnancy and not by my choice entirely!  While getting ready for surgery I cried and cried, but was reassured by mom and Brett that I was in good hands.  It was time, the anesthesiologist came to get me,  he reassures me he will take good care of me and all I remember was looking at my husband, watching him completely fall apart and sob, while telling me how much he loves me and that he will be waiting for me when I get back.

Everything went as well as could be expected besides the fact that I got soooo sick the whole way home after the surgery.  I threw up the entire way home pretty much.  I felt so empty, violated and disgusting.  

My husband's way of dealing with this was to spend endless hours working in our yard.  My in-laws all came to visit us that night and we had dinner together.  I felt like crap, I felt like my body had been beat up, that someone stole something from me.  I felt so empty and lonely.  I had to find a way to cope!  I asked myself how are we going to try again, what do we do next?  How can I possibly go through this again.

Never before did it hurt so much to see someone pregnant, to see a pregnancy announcement or to hear about another one of my student's who was being neglected or any child not being given the world.  

Many had questions for us wondering what happened and why it happened.  Our doctors explained to us that there is no answer and that unfortunately it was just bad luck. It was a bad make up of our chromosomes and there wasn't much they could explain.  Our best bet was to pick ourselves back up and start trying immediately when we felt up to it.   They say your body can be very fertile after a loss.  For us that wasn't the case.  The next months were heartbreaking and so painful.  Each month my cycle brought the worst pain I had ever experienced.  I thought I was dying.  Each month Brett would run me a bath and I would lay on the floor and rock back and forth wishing the pain away.  The doctors explained that it was just my body trying to get back to normal. My personality at times was ugly as well.  I didn't like myself and who I had become.  On my next post, I will pick up where this ended.....I have never had the heart to get rid of the onesies that I bought, they are in a closet where our nieces and nephews stay when they come, the room that is supposed to be our baby room, but we have given to them.