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| Our 3 Angels "Grief is like glitter. You can throw a handful of glitter into the air, but when you try to clean it up, you'll never get it all. Even long after the event, you will still find glitter tucked into corners, it will always be there-----somewhere." |
Today was one of those days where I just was lacking motivation. I stayed late at school to work on assessments and writing sub plans. Then I ran some errands and I still needed to figure out dinner yadda yadda. I was just putting my coffee cup in the sink and glanced in the backyard and there was my buddy Clem. Clem is the cardinal that lives in our backyard. I took a moment to watch him and thought of all my angels. I decided to dedicate today's workout to our 3 angels. I can't control much right now, but what I can control is not giving up!
I wore my necklace today with my angel wing added to it. I got this from a co-worker and she wanted to make sure I had all 3 close to my heart. It brought me comfort today during my anxious moments. I think of these little babies and so wish I could make life different.
I just got back to working out on Monday. It took everything I had to change my clothes and get on that treadmill. I am dealing with some personal self conscious issues right now. I am frustrated and not feeling very pretty. I get super pissy when I am on the treadmill and my body has random pains! I get angry because I get those pains because of what my body went through and I lost a child. I just want to feel normal and not experience the constant reminder of our losses. I would whole heartily embrace these struggles if I had birthed a child and became a mom, but I don't have that.
Yeah, I know what y'all are thinking, "you look great" "you are fine", "you're looking for attention" "you're so negative", but before you judge me try to put yourself in my shoes and let me tell you I feel disgusting. Also, if you think these things about me STOP READING MY BLOGS! I get frustrated and forget what all my body has been through over the past year and a half. My body doesn't know what it should do be pregnant or not. I have gone through many weight swings this year. For some reason, which I know is normal, when I get pregnant my chest instantly grows a size larger in like 2 weeks. It is not fun. Everything still is uncomfortable, I won't go into details. We went from trying every other day for months on end to nothing (again TMI, but life). I think right now we are both terrified of all our unknowns and emotionally and mentally we are still broken. It took all we had to motivate each other to try again after our first loss and then after our second and now we can't even wrap our head around what just happened to us. Hoping we find our strength again.
This last pregnancy I experienced a lot of shoulder and neck pain because I was carrying so much around on my chest. All of my organs have been shifted around 3 times as well and right now I am experiencing random pains in my lower stomach which I am sure is just my body adjusting, but I get pissy on the treadmill because I want to be back to running my 5-7 miles but I physically can't. These last two months I ate pretty much anything I wanted because nothing sounded good and so if I was actually wanting to eat something I just ate it (obviously, not things pregnant women are not supposed to eat). Now I walk around and feel icky, I have a closet full of clothes and I don't even wear half of them right now because I don't feel comfortable. When I was pregnant I felt great because I felt like it's ok things are getting snugger because I am growing a human. Now I walk around and feel icky and not confident in my skin.
I have always had to work hard at keeping my weight in check my whole life. I am short and big boned! Some of you might think, yeah big deal who cares she is working out we don't want to see posts about it, she has no life and so on and so on. I get it, I don't like watching people's every move 24 hours a day but it has helped me to be a little accountable.
I know I touched back on this in my last post but this week has been harder, people don't check in as often, but I still do get those random texts, messages, etc. just letting me know people are thinking of me. These are the days where I face reality, when we found out we lost the baby we heard from people multiple times a day for over a week. Now not as much, not that I need it and I get people have lives but now it gives me time to think and process the nightmare more because I have the time to think. I'll be honest, to me it feels like it is just part of everyone's past but to me I carry fear and anxiety every day. I am terrified that I will never be a mom. Brett and I had a conversation this week and I said that I had two major dreams in my life from when I was a little girl till now and it was to get married and to be a mom. Obviously have a good career was a part of it as well but I have always dreamed I would be a mommy.
I also want to say to all of you who think I am selfish, a snot, not happy for pregnant people etc. etc., don't waste your time thinking negative things about me because that is not who I am. I am not perfect but I am a very good person with a big heart, right now my heart has a deep crack that is trying to find a way to heal. Be Kind and empathetic it goes a long way! I know some may question why bring such a personal thing to a social media outlet, but if i touch one person, or help someone feel like they are not alone that is important to me because I feel that way often. I do not have all the answers nor am I completely healed myself but I can be a listening ear. Please reach out to me if you have feedback or maybe you can relate with me or maybe I have just made you feel not alone! I would love to hear from you! Also if you have questions about our journey please feel free to ask. I am a pretty open book! This is a huge work in progress, I am hoping by summer I will have more time to customize this and make time to go back and edit my posts!
Let me leave you with this:
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