This was the first year in my relationship with my husband that we actually got to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day together with our families. Brett got off Christmas Eve morning and we celebrated our own little Christmas together at 6:30 in the morning next to our tree and fire place. It was awesome, our first ever time celebrating Christmas together since we moved into our new house. After some relaxing we showered and packed up to head to Mauston, WI where my grandparent's live. I didn't feel the best but i hadn't felt that great in weeks. I embraced it and secretly enjoyed the sickness because it gave me reassurance. When we got to my grandparents we enjoyed visiting with my cousins, grandparents and my aunt and uncle before getting ready to head to Christmas Eve mass. That afternoon when I was getting dressed I couldn't resist looking down at my belly which seemed to be growing all of a sudden poking out of the dress I was wearing. I am sure some of it was bloating but it was the third time my uterus was being expanded. I was feeling so excited and couldn't believe that we had gotten our miracle gift, a baby.
We went to Christmas Eve mass and it was beautiful all the children in the community were part of a live nativity scene. The music was beautiful, life was awesome. We headed back to my grandparents where my parents were waiting. They both had to work so arrived later. We had a wonderful meal and enjoyed each others company. In the morning we all had breakfast together but we had to get on the road because we had 3 more Christmas's to attend. We headed back to Rochester to attend Christmas with my mom's side of the family. I was struggling, I didn't feel good at all and my skin color was terrible, but once again embracing it and drinking lots of water and slept most of the car ride.
We headed to my aunt and uncles and we all were surprised by a Facetime call from my cousin Corey who is deployed again. It was so great to see his face and hear his voice. What a great gift! We enjoyed a great meal, but had to head out pretty quickly to head to Brett's grandparents where we celebrated Christmas with his Mom's side. It was a great gathering and yes people were noticing I wasn't drinking, but that is just how things go. I did the best to play it off. After that we headed home to pack up to head to Brett's parents to enjoy family Christmas and spend the night. We all had a wonderful time, but man was I anxious and very nervous. The next morning we woke up, enjoyed more Santa gifts and had breakfast with his grandparents. Then we packed up and headed home to shower to head to Rochester. Our appointment was at 2:25 but I made pedicure appointments for the two of us in hopes it would help us relax a bit and I was heading to Puerto Vallarta with my mom in the morning. (Yes, I was safe to travel being pregnant, I was overly prepared with every safe bug spray and sunscreen you could imagine, I was safe! No I would never do anything to harm myself or my child!) I had to get that off my chest too.
I was a hot mess, I was so anxious I thought I would puke. My husband did the best to tell me how sure he was that we are in good hands and that he was just positive everything was going to be just fine.
We headed to that dreadful waiting room again, where we sat and waited to go in for our ultrasound. We were on the floor where we see our specialist. I sat in the room and just cried. I was soooooo anxious I didn't know what to do and in panic mode. I hate being poked and prodded. The ultra sound started, I could see our baby so clear and wow it was so much bigger than we had seen in the past. I kept searching and searching and then those gut wrenching words came out of her mouth, "I don't see a heart beat". I just covered my face and sobbed while my husband shouted the word "fuck" over and over again. It was awful. She said she was sorry and I got up and proceeded to get dressed we knew the drill. She asked if I wanted a picture and I said no, I couldn't. I knew that I could and would see all the pictures in my portal over the days to come.
We walked the hallway to a room where we were to sit and wait for our doctor to come in and see us. I shook, I cried I sobbed. Brett rubbed my back and I just kept saying "I'm so sorry" over and over again. While he just kept saying it wasn't my fault. I crawled in his lap and just sobbed. We sat there for what seemed like eternity. My mom works right across the street in the Gonda Building so I sent her a message saying please cancel our trip, we have no heart beat. She asked if she could come, and I said yes. A while later a nurse came to the door and asked if my mom could come in and that is when Brett and I lost it again the three of us held each other and cried. This couldn't possibly be happening again this the darkest nightmare I have ever been apart of.
The doctor came in and we discussed in detail all our options and all the recommendations she had in terms of genetic testing of our baby. We talked about how this could most likely lead to IVF. The unfortunate thing was that this all happened over the holidays and the earliest they could get me in for surgery would be Monday my mom's birthday! It was Wednesday! How was I going to make it for four more days, but what other choice did we have? We left feeling like our world was shattered.
Our family of course was all waiting to hear from us and we let them all know that our baby didn't have a heart beat. Then all the questions come which is normal, but at the same time we have no answers.
We headed home and my mom went to work on canceling our trip. Thankfully we bought insurance on it. Brett's parents and sister and brother in law were all still together so they all came over. The distraction was nice but when they were packing up Brett lost it, he bawled uncontrollably hitting the table and saying he was soooo sad and how could this be happening to us again. It was awful, my husband is my rock, my person who I lean on, he can't fall apart. It tore me up and shattered my heart into a million pieces. Mind you not only was I told my baby is not alive, but I still had every pregnancy symptom under the sun I felt so sick and I was carrying around my dead baby.
What were we going to do for the next four days. Brett was scheduled to work Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. He took Thursday off to spend the day with me. All it did was pour rain for two days straight. We spent time laying around and crying. He putzed in the garage and went out and scrapped our driveway in the rain because that's what he did. I tore apart some room in our house because that is what I do. That afternoon we decided to go for a drive to just get out of the house and go to dinner. It was nice to get out. When we got home I took a nice bath and shower and we relaxed on the couch. As we were getting ready for bed I started bleeding. I panicked! We need our baby what are we going to do? I called the nurse line and they wanted us to come in right away. So through tears I packed a bag for Rochester and we headed out. We arrived at about 9:30, we didn't have to go to the ER we we went to a floor right above where we see our specialist at. We had a long night, I was seen by 3 different doctors I was once again poked and prodded and it is not comfortable nor does it feel good. At about 2:00 a.m. we were sent home with everything we needed in case it happened at home. The doctors believed I was going to make it to Monday from what they saw. My body was not ready to let go of this at all. I felt so sick and numb. We slept till about 9 the next day and Brett stayed home with me again.
I felt sick all day, I didn't do much except clean a few things and read and I was beyond exhausted and finally slept for a couple hours in the afternoon. I told Brett that I would be fine and that he could go to work Saturday and Sunday. I spent the day on Saturday in Rochester with my emergency bag in tow, with my family. We went to play Bingo and it helped to pass the time. I headed home that night and laid awake and cried. The next morning I was up super early and decided to head to church. I needed all the prayers I could get. I always sit with Brett's grandparents. I knew this wasn't going to be easy but I could do it. I only cried three times during the mass. I thought this was pretty good. After church I visited with his grandparents and aunt and uncle at breakfast. They all reassured me how much they were praying for us during this rough time and that they hope we find some answers. I ran some errands to Target and by this time I was exhausted, but I couldn't rest, I was too scared to lay down and close my eyes and think.
So what does Michelle do, she tears apart all our drawers and cupboards in the mud room and organizes them all. I had to take a few breaks because my body didn't like me so much but I did it. Our neighbors asked if they could bring us dinner over which was so thoughtful and much appreciated. They are so kind and their daughters mean a lot to us. I didn't eat much because all I kept thinking about was how I had to call in at 8:15 to see when my surgery would take place. We called and were informed that my surgery was scheduled for 7:15 and that we both needed to get our blood work done ahead of time. So we tried to get some rest, we had to leave our house by about 5:00 to pick up my mom and get all necessary things done. It was also her birthday, felt so sad that this was happening on her special day but she is so unselfish and was there no questions asked. Of course I got emotional but this time I felt so numb, I hated that this felt so routine. This was the third freaking time I was being put out an having my baby taken from me in a year and half!
I felt like I was in constant prepare mode for our babies funeral. Once again my husband had to watch his wife and child be taken away to be put under and his child be put to rest. The surgery went fine, I was very drugged because I had gotten so sick during the past two. I woke up feeling just out of it but not super sick. I got dressed feeling so sore, empty and violated. We were able to head out, I slept the whole way home and went straight to the couch in the cozy basement where I slept for 4 hours straight never waking once. When I woke up I had to face reality. We ended up going to a movie with my in laws that night. I figured I have to sit at home I can sit and watch a movie. It was a nice distraction. I didn't sleep well that night and my brain never turns off it seems like. That is when I started thinking about writing this blog.
My husband doesn't really understand why I would want to do this and relive all of it again but for me it is like a brain dump I can get it off my chest. I was having major anxiety on Thursday and decided I need to sit and write and he could see myself calming a bit. I am beyond terrified that something is wrong with me and I will never be able to carry a child or be a mother to my own biological child. It gives me an outlet. It gives me a place to write what I want and not have to listen to anyone interrupt me or tell me how to feel or tell me what I should be doing. The next two days were tough, I was so sad, I was sooo empty, I didn't know what to do. I had never felt this kind of grief in my life and I have lost a lot of special people.
I know that I am not the only one who has gone through hardships or loss, I know that many 1 in 4 people to be exact have gone through this. I know it is not easy and each story is different. I don't think mine is any sadder or more special than anyone else it is just our life and our story.
The hard part now is that my husband's way of dealing with it is accepting it and doing whatever he can to stay completely busy which usually means not with me. The last few days he tore apart his snowmobile completely and spent all last night and today making brats, sausage and putting it all in the smoker at his parents. I don't like what becomes of us during this time, because we both heal so differently. There is nothing wrong with him doing all those things I just wish it was different some how or that he checked in on me more emotionally its not that he doesn't care because he does he just doesn't want to acknowledge it anymore. I need to take a break, I have so much more to say
Take your time and both of you grieve in your own way. Don’t be afraid to tell him what you need and ask what he needs too. It is so hard. So very hard. Be gentle with each other. ❤️
ReplyDeleteKris