Brain Dump

The anxiety is high today and all I think to do right now is brain dump.  After we lost our second baby I knew I had to pick myself up and finish out the school year.  I had to push through because I had no other choice. When you are a teacher you have to put on a happy face and pretend the whole universe is filled with sunshine, glitter , happiness and rainbows! My profession is not the easiest place to return to after losing a child.  It also can bring a lot of joy as well.  I struggled with my physical body, both pregnancies I gained weight, I already struggle with keeping weight off, but this didn't help.  I felt disgusting, I didn't feel pretty and I just wanted to be normal. This little saying helped me gain faith and have courage to keep trying. I prayed every day to my little angels in heaven. I wanted to believe that they would guide me in the right direction and be with me each day.

One of the hardest things for me was accepting how I felt about our losses.  I felt like crap, wait no I felt like absolute shit, I spent hours day dreaming about which stroller I wanted to buy, what car seat, how many diaper bags, what kind of baby showers I wanted, where we would take our family pics, what kid of gender reveal we would have, what was I going to put on my registry, you name it I day dreamed about it.  At little moments I would bring it up to my husband about my dreams, how I couldn't wait to see him as a father!  He was and will be the best daddy!  If anyone knows my husband, he is over the moon amazing with kids. They love him he is a god given, natural born baby whisperer!  I'll take a moment to shout him out, he is one if the most humble people I know and I am beyond blessed to have him, he is my perfect person.  I had a long road to find him, but one thing for certain he is my perfect match!  He knows exactly what to say to pull me out of some of my funks.  Don't get me wrong we have our moments, but never once do I not think I made the best decision of my life when I vowed my life to this man.  

I know I touched on all the things that are difficult like being told how to feel a certain way or how to cope, but I also want to take the time to express my gratitude to all the people who have reached out to us throughout our journey.  The ones who have lent a listening ear, the ones that just send a little note saying they are thinking and praying for us, the ones who have picked me or my hubby up when I am drowning and all our friends and family who just care.  It doesn't help us to be told how we should feel or that we should do a certain thing. Encouragement and prayers are so helpful.

One of the greatest gifts Brett and I have been given is the title of being auntie Chelle and uncle Brett.  We are beyond blessed to have 2 nieces, a nephew and a niece on the way.  Being apart of our nieces and nephews lives are huge and we love them more than life.  We try to give them everything we want to give our own children along with all the love we can.  We are beyond lucky with how much our siblings do the best they can do make sure we are an important part of their lives and that we don't miss out on any of the big steps! With this also comes a certain amount of heartache, this comes to mind for me, "always an auntie and uncle, never a mother and father."  We get to see all the Christmas Cards visiting Santa, we get to see all the birthday pictures and milestones, we see this every day and not just with our own family but with society, and I pray because I so  desperately want to experience all of those things with my own kids. If you have not walked in our shoes or ever had a missed miscarriage you don't know the depths of our pain nor would I wish it upon anyone.  It stirs so many emotions at so many different times of your life.  Sometimes it just hits you out of no where and you don't even know how to react.

After our second baby went to heaven, I was getting frustrated and we were unsure as to why this was happening to us. We were told that we could get a referral to the infertility specialist at Rochester Mayo.  I couldn't believe this was even being brought up, I never thought I would ever struggle like this, but who was I kidding?  I have had to work extra hard  my whole life. (My parents know exactly what I am referring to at this point.)  I thought well that's fine I will beat this too.  So off Brett and I went to Rochester.  Yes we were nervous, what were they going to tell us?  We sat in the office waiting to be seen and it was one of the saddest places I had ever been.  Everyone in there was there for the same reason we were.  I couldn't hold the tears back while I sat there and Brett rested his hand on my lap and said something silly like "cheer up buttercup" and made a funny joke about something else. One thing for certain was that I had my best friend with me and we supported each other.  We had our appointment and we mapped out a plan.  The plan came with a lot of out of pocket expenses but that wasn't going to keep us from trying to figure out why.  

We were sent down to do some blood work to check our chromosomes and our genetic make up. I also had to have an extensive test done on my uterus to make sure all my ducks were lining up.  This was by far the most painful thing I have ever endured. I would get so angry too, because here I was going through hell and back and so many people try once an instantly are pregnant no troubles! Two weeks later we were back down in Rochester to check over our results.  Great news, we are both healthy, no genetic issues and my egg count, uterus shape, etc. etc. was all great!  Bad news, they had no explanation as to why we have had our losses besides the fact that it just wasn't the right genetic make up to produce that perfect baby.  So what do we do now, we made a plan to keep trying and check back in at the end of December.

We were told how important it was to make sure to really try every other day from day 7 to the day I got my period.  Let me tell you, there is nothing romantic in any of this anymore.  My poor husband is always stating, " I am a man, not a machine." and when he does say this we do laugh.  He does his best to make me laugh the best he can but believe me there this a lot of ugly times.  Like when I get my period each month and both of us are like why are we even trying!  I am so ugly on these weeks and it is so hard to express my feelings.

So off we go back home to keep trying!  July comes and I know that my sister in law and brother in law would like to expand there family why wouldn't they, that is what people our age do.  We know each other so well that on the Fourth of July when we went to the parade I knew she was pregnant!  Yes instantly my heart ached and I was beyond jealous, but felt guilty for feeling that way.  Sure enough a couple days later they came to tell us their news.  We did the best to show our excitement and joy and deep down inside we want nothing but happiness for them.  I will never forget my husband hugging me that night and asking why that can't be us too.  This is one of the first times he openly said something to me without me prompting.  We both looked at each other and said we have to be happy we have to some how be happy for them.  

Another big thing that I have struggled with through this whole process is being left out of any type of news regarding pregnancy.  It SUCKS!  We feel like the black sheep!  Just because we have heartache doesn't mean we don't want to be informed of how things are progressing or how things are going!  We might not shout for joy or give you exactly all you want to hear but we care and we will be supportive.  I'm at the age where everywhere I turn people younger than me and my age are pregnant.  I teach and over the past two years it feels like everyone is pregnant every where I turn.  We try to just keep praying that we will get our chance.

This Fall was a huge struggle, Brett worked one of the longest and hardest turn arounds, our home was hit by a tornado and the beginning of the school year is always long hours and a lot more work than the rest of the year for me but I was determined to give it our best shot.  So what does that mean, it means not giving up and trying your hardest from day 7 to the day of your period without excuses.  There were tears, yelling and moments of despair but we did our best until that one late November day that i had a feeling that just maybe I was pregnant.  I was exhausted but it was busy at work and I was hosting family things.  I was holding out and praying that my gut was right.  On the day I was supposed to get my period I took a test.  It said pregnant.  Brett and I don't talk about my cycle that much but we both know what it is by the back of our hands.  He was working in the garage probably cutting wood for some project of mine lol and I just opened the door and said I was pregnant.  No words were exchanged and that was typical.  This is hard to think back on, for so many others this is such an exciting time, for us it was terrifying and we had a huge wall up because we had the trap door taken out from us already twice with those awful words "there is no heartbeat."

 We spent the night doing our own thing and I contacted our specialist down in Rochester the next day.  I was asked to go in immediately for a blood test and another 72 hours later.  At this point I felt like garbage every day and my chest was huge. I was exhausted. I felt like crap but I had to keep pushing, I have 23 little blessings to teach every day. The blood tests showed my hormone levels rising like crazy!  Everything was awesome!  They had us scheduled to come down to see our specialist right before I was to leave on my trip with my mom!  Now we just had to make it the next 4 weeks.  December with Kindergartners is a struggle let alone any grade level, but I was so excited and each symptom brought me comfort.  We didn't hold back in telling our family and it was nothing special.  We never had the fun of having the elaborate exciting announcements!  As a couple we didn't talk about my pregnancy because I think we were both in fear. What an awesome experience to have (insert giant sarcasm), to not talk about it at all, to not show excitement, to not experience all the amazingness a pregnancy is supposed to feel like. Each night we would say our prayers and Brett would put his hands on my tummy saying goodnight to what we thought was our future.  


December 26th was going to be our day, it was going to be the day that we finally saw a healthy heart beat and all our dreams were going to come true.  All of our determination, all our fight, all our faith, all our prayers were going to finally pay off.  There is no way that we could possibly lose our third child.  We were going to see what our siblings have seen each time they go to an ultrasound, a healthy baby with a heartbeat!  It was going to be our turn!